Celebrate and Re-collate
I am in awe of God’s creation. Here I am, this fallen, fallible, feeble and sometimes fearful specimen of a being that He relentlessly pursues, provides for, and protects. I pray throughout the day, at night I worship and weep for my children, loved ones, friends and situations. In my solitude this magnificent creator visits and consoles me. I tell my Dad (what I call God sometimes) how I want to pour out all of this love, passion and wisdom and then he sends me people, purpose and projects to extract all that I have declared to give. In my brokenness He gives me reassurance and reminds me through others, that I am worthy of healthy, happy, consistent love (in things not just people) that is not too good to be true. In my never ending cycles of racing, over analyzed and critical thoughts, He calms my mind with simple truths and sacred promises. For some reason I am favored. In spite of my many flaws and fears he still covers me with poise, grace and harmony.
I am humbled that this poor, traumatized child from a broken home, is allowed to have such a rich existence that is infused with holistic healing that produces wholeness and compassion for others. I talk to my Him in all honesty. I yell, I shutdown, I whisper, I groan and cry but He hears my heart audibly through it all. Within this petite and insignificant frame, holds grand visions, world changing concepts, generational transformation and deep spiritual breadth of understanding for humanity. I have a dominant maternal instinct that leads me (in all situations) to serve, support, bring structure, give my strength and selflessly love. At times this intrinsic calling is very bittersweet. I have carried, delivered, raised and developed many people and things in addition to my own children and often when the relationship, project, or person has been sufficiently fortified, it leaves. Now that’s not unnatural or even wrong, it’s simply the seasonal nature of our existence.
My firstborn is now an adult and will leave for college and begin her journey into adulthood soon. She has all that I have been able to give and yet when she goes… and they all go, It’ll just be me. Myself to carry, deliver and raise in the new world of singularity and stillness. It’s not a grievous matter, but a matter of full circuitry where what I have given life to, now lives. I am excited, a little overwhelmed, happy, proud, and I am humbly honored to be able to carry this spirit but congruently somber at all the transitions in and around me. When I love deeply, my conversations usually start and end with questions like what do you need, how can I help you, how can I make this easier for you, how do you feel and what can I do to make this wrong, right? I’m always wondering and worrying if I’m sufficiently sensitive to everyone else’s needs while trying to maintain my own. Like Jesus, we have a complex existence that can ultimately be submitted to God’s will, yet carnally subjected to ego and selfishness. It would be nice to have those questions asked to me however, I’m not even sure that I would know how to react to being given the same care that I have lived a lifetime giving. But that’s because I am blessed and have deep gratitude for the ability to love so strongly, and I am thankful for this moment in time. I am in awe of God‘s creation, and equally astounded that he chose a lowly being like me to imitate his creativity and power in the earth. I’m simply in awe.
Great blog.
I also agree with what you referred to as the “seasonal nature of our existence.” Mufasa in the Lion King called it the Circle of Life. 😉
In reading your feelings regarding giving love to others… I am reminded of one of the the benefits of being in a loving marriage, is that both people are constantly being fullfilled and replenished. As in marriage both people are constantly giving and receiving.